a void in my heart

and mind.

i see your accusatory face

everywhere.

you said no

unless i said i didnt love you anymore.

i didnt say anything.

because i didnt have a change of heart.

never.

you said did i hate you

did i want to punish you.

no.

you said im stupid

because

i treat it like

a number game.

i can never give you

the security

the life that you want.

5 years.

is a long wait for you.

you have bared everything

to love me without reservations.

you can give up so many things

which matter so much to you

just to accommodate me.

to want a life with me

in every frame.

i know.

i really do.

and i have

single handedly

ruined a girl's life

and hopes.

i cried myself to sleep.

asking what i have done.

woke up.

and cried again.

you said i never tried.

i did.

from the start.

but

its so much less

compared

to how much

you tried.

when you said

why dont i leave first.

i knew it was a test.

you like to test

with words.

so i hesitated.

you said it was clear

what ive chosen.

i left you.

in shambles,

i know.

because i also know

i cant give you

all that we've talked about

for our future.

you ever said

you were a simple girl

with simple needs.

to hold you when youre shaken.

to hug you when youre upset.

to support you all the time.

yet im the one

who shakes you the most

and

upsets you the most.

i know.

you have been there

for me.

all the time.

and want to be there

for me.

all the time.

i know.

there are traces of you

everywhere.

wherever i go,

whatever i do,

however i dress.

but its so unfair

to you.

to want you to wait

and wait

and wait.

for something

i dont even know

i can accomplish.

i can shoulder.

everyday that i dont call you

dont see you,

the guilt in me

increases

and increases

and increases.

you always said

it was alright.

it was okay.

that youre happy to see me

even only once.

i know it wasnt

okay.

and it hurts you

badly.

how i can subject

you

to this kind of torment.

but circumstances

are crippling me.

you say

ive got to work it out.

to bear pressures

of every kind.

i did.

but it's not enough

for us.

and so you wait

and bear with it.

and wait

and bear with it.

and i see your accusatory face

again.

in fact

the first thing

and all

that i wanted to say that night,

was

i love you.

i have

and

i do.

still.