it has been so long

since i came on.

3 months later,

i am back.

this place has always been my solace

somewhere i can retreat to

when i feel





unhappy.

has always been.

and i guess

will always be.

doesnt matter if it doesnt get anymore hits.

doesnt matter if people start to forget.

doesnt matter.

school's started

more than a month already.

in fact it's been a month and a half.

still

i find something missing.

socially i guess.

its hard trying to balance what you want to achieve

vs what you need to achieve.

books, friends, experience, fun, preparation.

i dont feel like im maximising the opporunities

i dont feel liek im having fun

people say uni is fun.

yea it ought to

but i just cant seem to find it

nor can i put my heart into one place

and delve deeper to search for fulfilment, enjoyment and value.

i want to study

yet i dont want to do it all the time.

i want to get good grades

yet i dont think im good enough at what im doing.

so that would mean spending alot more time on them,

which in turn would imply that there'll be less time

for me to do other things.

i want to take part in all hall stuff

yet i cant seem to find my place

nor have the energy or heart to commit to so many.

it seems like

i always have something to complain

or am unhappy about wherever i go.

but

its impossible to fully enjoy everything you do.

but today, here, now,

i cant even find something to be happy about,

something that i love doing and can look forward to everyday after working hrs.

damn.

haish....

such is life?

this place is so big

yet i cant find somewhere i can settle down

and grow.

how now?