run baby run.

JQ's THREE LAWS OF EMO

1. Happiness is a privilege, you'll never get it.
2. Life sucks and shit happens.
3.
i cant remember the third one, will write it down when i recall it.

hah cool.

im feeling alittle harsh on myself again.

somewhat angsty.

and vengeful.

annoyed

but slothful.

and shit.

im 20 already.

but i still aimless.

ns will end in 2 weeks time.

all achievements will be nullified once i leave.

im already starting to feel something wearing off.

and then it's back to ground zero again.

ok fine.

im not feeling happy.

im not even feeling ok.

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!

either i lament being too tired out with work

or i start to shit myself when im too free.

i hate myself.

i dont have many friends left.

and i risk having to lose the very few.

i have alot of time.

yet i have no plans.

i have alot of energy replenished now.

yet i do not have any drive to spend them.

they are now coming to waste.

i dont have anything to look forward to now.

i leave time ticking like its endless.

they say ord is something to look forward to.

they say they cant wait for ord.

but i find nothing special about ord.

it will come in the end.

and its not when it comes,

its how it will come.

i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy i have no joy

i dont want to talk about anything i dont want to do anything i dont want to talk about anything i dont want to do anything i dont want to talk about anything i dont want to do anything

i dont even feel the yayness to end my service like the end of a levels.

i had it in december.

but not anymore.

maybe its too drastic a change from a mother hectic life to one that it is peaceful and slow.

i hate myself.

this is embarassing this is embarassing this is embarassing this is embarassing

why do other people have so much joy in them why do people feel so much happiness why do people have so much joy in them why do people feel so much happiness

i even tried eating chocolates, ice cream, running to release endorphines.

but i feel like thrash soon after.

is this the so called fairness and trade offs in life.

i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy i feel no joy

i like solidarity.

yet i hate it.

i enjoy feeling no joy.

and i hate feeling no joy at the same time.

i wish this was as easy as just clicking the restart game option.

im a sad passive reluctant creature im a sad passive reluctant creature im a sad passive reluctant creature

even the queen of england has the right to complain.

all these entries have been about me.

you dont know me.

so dont judge me.

this blog is mine.

i have the right to write about myself.

AFTER ACCOMODATING EVERYONE SINGLE MOTHER SON OF A BITCH OUTSIDE

I THINK I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TALK AND INDULGE IN MYSELF OVER HERE

BECAUSE NO ONE CARES BECAUSE NO ONE CARES BECAUSE NO ONE CARES BECAUSE NO ONE CARES

I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT MYSELF TONIGHT

STOP THE FACE SAVING SHIT.

THIS IS ME.
YA.
SO.

YOU DONT JUDGE ME COZ YOU DONT KNOW ME YOU DONT JUDGE ME COZ YOU DONT KNOW ME YOU DONT JUDGE ME COZ YOU DONT KNOW ME

i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace i feel no peace

everybody has his own fears

and loves.

mine are fear of the unknown

fear of the new

fear of losing

fear of being rejected.

most of the time

i get really jittery

that kinda hinders any progress.

sometimes

after getting "warmed up"

i feel less of these fears,

and feel like a new age revolutionary dare devil.

sometimes

i get sick and tired

of fearing

so i'll just steam ahead.

sometimes

circumstances and people

compel me

to overlook the fear

and do the things which i normally

would not do if i were only had a man's strength.

it feels good to overcome your fears.

but ultimately

character, personality, habits and rituals

will bind you back to these fears of yours.

like as if you never overcame them.

i have loves too.

but its kinda hard to reveal those loves.

too many perhaps

or too few,

but i think mainly because

this place is too soaked

with emotional, distressed and unforgiving

entries

that any attempts to overule

the order of things here would seemingly

be a fruit fly trying to burrow a hole in a banana.

there havent been

consistent entries lately,

just sporadic updates

of my mood.

army took up almost

all of my time,

energy,

and concentration.

( this is not a complain, honestly. and im glad to have gone through NS)

not to mention

my language ability

and academic edge.

i could only manage

feeble attempts

of writings and speech

by trying to string together

pieces of vocabulary

which i thought would sound cheem.

i didnt even manage

to read the papers

for almost the whole period

when i was at 2SIR.

it is almost the end of my full time liability now

and i would say that

the near 2 years have moulded me well

and brought me further

to where i could not have gotten to

without NS,

though the past 2 years

did seem like a black out period from

the normal progression of (civilian) life.

social circles became smaller,

friends disappear,

memories fade,

days became constrained further and further

to within the fences and barbed wire.

routines become overly familiar,

trainings increased drastically

work accumulated even more.

basically it was everything

everything about army.

if someone ever said

army is a waste of time

or army gives you alot of time to think about things,

then one,

they are goddamned skivers who chose to avoid combat roles and ought to be shot

or two,

they have no heart and intention of making good the resources

the government invests in for them

or three

they simply do not believe in the cause for service and

therefore do not make effort to utilise the 2 years

hence rendering them unaccomplished in the service and unreliable out of the service.

i can honestly say

that i hardly had any time

or energy

to give anything out of army second thoughts.

cpt vincent said it was because

i wasnt efficient enough.

well that could be true.

but personally

i think

its a matter of work ethics

and professionalism,

combined with character and personality

of which a huge chunk

encompasses the fears

that created such a result.

but the product of these

was remarkable as well.

i transcended my expectations and broke through new grounds.

now 2 years on,

i'll be released back to where i left off,

out through the open gates

away from the dreary fences and greens.

most people

give me the impression that

they are happy to be released from service

and have boasted to have gotten their lives back,

and have regained freedom

yada yada.

on the contrary,

i feel like a student again,

a child,

albeit lost

reluctant

and




fearful.

it feels like

it was only a brief moment

where i was brave

important

hardworking

stressed out

useful

busy

and mature.

i now have more time

space

and energy at hand.

i no longer have to slog like i used to

i no longer have to get stressed up like i used to

i no longer have to worry like i used to

i no longer have to endure early mornings, long days and late nights like i used to

i no longer have to meet deadlines, gather resources and complete projects like i used to

basically i am freer.

but i dont know what to do with this

sudden change in lifestyle.

i vaguely remember having a long to-do list

before i enlisted.

but it kinda got erased.

maybe

over the years

our upbringing,

experiences from school, work, this country and life in general

have caused us to lose hope and faith easily,

like we no longer possess the innocence

of believing things will magically go our way.

maybe we've become more aware of reality

maybe it's the dog eat dog mentality that permeated into us

maybe we've become more seasoned to failures and upsets

maybe it's the fear or losing the feeling of winning

or maybe it's animal instinct of survival.

then again

all these

could be just a doing

of the human reaction to




fear.

of everything that can be feared.








nothing lasts forever.

we need to move on.

2009 ended.

that would also mean

my leave would be coming to an end too.

haha.

im lazy now.

once the rumbling engine stops

its just tough to re ignite it again.

hahh.

why does everyone like to

talk about resolutions

when the year turns?

well

maybe its just in,

or

it really helps creates a focus.

but

nonetheless

2010

will mark the end of a milestone

and the eventual start of another

long road ahead.

2009

was when my army life

really kicked off.

and it was

practically

all

about

army.




oh well.

dont feel like writing anymore.

till another time.