funny.

i no longer find

solace

in blogging.

maybe

my mood is more neutral now.

or just alittle

numb.

ooo it's michael jacksons bday.

oh well.

it has been 5 months since i commissioned.

and about 5 more till i end my service.

and ive lost touch

with all the tactical combat stuff already.

i guess im very much less of a soldier

but more of a manager.

for i am an instructor (all the "commander" here "commander" there bullshit).

only the privilleged rare few better cadets

got the chance to be a real soldier.

im not complaining though.

im in the majority.

and i guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

it's a different kind of experience in all.

but i dont think a mediocre cadet

would necessarily make a lousy officer.

but just what

is a good officer?

it could be self consolation,

it could be jealousy

or it could really be a fact,

mixed with the above two.

i set out with an aim when i enlisted,

and this aim changed with time.

aims became goals.

reachable.

others

fell through the fingers.

they change.

too many and too cumbersome

to list all.

at least

i lead this life now with a purpose.

no matter how slight.

being an instructor is good.

i can mould lives.

but deep inside,

as like everyone else,

i yearn for more.

we all want to be better

to show the rest tat we are capable of more,

of greater things.

being an officer

is probably just a general platform.

being a good officer

is probably something we can all get to.

but being a real good combat officer

is something not many dare to take on

yet thirst for.

it may even take years for the majority

who dont have an express route.

being a big fish

in a small pond is nice and comfortable.

being a small fish

in a big pond is ordinary.

being a mediocre fish

in a big sea can raise eyebrows.

but being a big fish

in an ocean is impressive.

time has been so packed

and hectic

that i hadnt had much time to consider such stuffs anymore.

the upcoming posting

will be like a second chance for people like me.

but ultimately

underneath it all

i am still a big fish in a small pond.

nonetheless

i get to upgrade my worth and wealth.

something not everyone

has the opportunity to.

i haven't

been thinking much

lately.

haven't been talking either.

i haven't been able

to find you.

oh don't be a joke

i don't even know you.

maybe work

has made me

insane.

but that can't

really be the case can it?

'cause if it is

then work in the past

must have been torturous.

probably im just bored.

'cause i think

when i finally get to you

it wouldn't feel that

exhilarating anymore.

or maybe

i just need something

to remind me

of an unfinished past.

who cares now?

i think im crazy.

i actually induce heartaches

to get a kick out of it.

i think im really crazy.

but who can tell?

nobody.

why do i even bother?

i really dont know.

maybe i want to win.

maybe

i just can't forget.

or maybe i tend

to remember things more vividly

when they are etched into the heart

rather than memorised by the head.

maybe

im just crazy.

ain't i?

i don't feel satisfied

after writing this entry.

in fact i feel like

i've left out something

which would allow the whole

emotion to flood out.

i think im just crazy.