and so

by another 30 days

another phase of my life will pass.

id probably write about my exploits

that 30 days later.

i was initially feeling light and all relaxed.

finally after a long time,

this would be one weekend

which would entail sleep ins

lazy afternoons

and sinful indulgence.

for some time last week

and the weeks before,

i was satisfied at not being satisfied.

i gave the reason

that this was not my thing,

that i could not perform if i dont like it

and so i would be content to run behind.

unlike the past,

where i soared in everything

where i had the desire to do so

and the reluctance to not lose to people.

on the flip side

i was contemplating

a decline in my intellectual capability,

my resistance,

fighting spirit,

and inate strengths.

i am now lazy

and weak,

forever giving excuses to underperform,

to skive.

i have denied it for a long time,

but today i will blurt it out to the world

because i can't bear with myself anymore.

yet at this point of time

i dont feel the urge to work harder

i just want to resign and float to wherever

the tide brings me.

when was the last time i felt real satisfaction with myself?

pure joy radiating from the inside?

genuine and lasting sense of achievement.

i think i have rested too much in jc.

only contented with my 4As

and uber nice class.

period.

that had taken a toll on me.

im ambitious.

i dont like to have only the minimum.

yet,

on the one hand

it feels as if fate doesnt want to give me any chances.

on the other

it appears that im the one who's not giving me a chance.

at every phase of my life

there needs to be a milestone,

yet i have missed almost two already.

only an empty shield lies in the place of what

ought to be a shimmering medalion.

people have overtaken me.

i have lagged behind by alot.

yet theres no way for me to crawl back.

i choose to sleep it through

to wash it to the back of my mind.

i am passive.

i am complacent.

i am arrogant.

i keep looking back

to the days where i had a shining star

and the ever present aurora of glamour.

that's no good.

but what do i do?

the future is blur

and dark.

my friends are swords of merit.

my friends are going to be swords of merit.

my friends are scholars.

my friends have gone to cambridge, warwick, sheffield, imperial, upenn, ucl, edinburgh, lse, dartmouth.

im only gonna be another commissioned officer.

im only gonna be another statistic for the business school.

i feel

inferior.

i think my life has stalled to a cruise.

i have a happy family,

a hardworking brother,

a doting grandmother.

that would greatly please a salaryman.

but not me.

because thats not MY achievements

and i need more than that.

i think i have many friends

but i spend alot of time talking to myself.

i feel

inferior.

the above entry wont do any good

to the image im giving people.

yet as much as i care about how i am looked upon by others,

i feel a need to let go of my inner struggle.

however,

this is not doing too much good

because it is just another repetition

and explanation of the many previous entries of mine.

two weeks ago

i came to realise the weight of officership that would soon rest upon all of us.

and so i asked myself

how do i live with passion

and lead with compassion?

i promised myself and my future men, if any,

that i would never commit the mistakes that many of my officers did.

but today

i question

the ability of myself

to lead my own life as a person

that i want to be.

i was an iron clad sergeant major,

an egoistic cadet lieutenant,

an authoritative councillor,

a proud trainer,

a crazy friend,

a passionate lover,

a sanely insane.

but today

i am humbled.

i no longer possess the self esteem of yester year.

i no longer stick my nose into the air.

i no longer think im good.

i no longer tell people im good.

i can no longer put on airs.

i can no longer afford to wait to be noticed.

i am back at ground zero.

worse,

i am beneath the earth.

why?

i have lost the passion and love in life.

i have lost the tinge of supremacy that kept me going for all the years.

i have lost the feeling of being special.

i have lost people to time.

i have lost people i love and people who loved me.

but then

i am so young.

barely 20.

not that young anymore.

once people turn 20

they ought to know where theyre headed.

i dont.

i still live as if im still 16.

partly rebellious

partly submissive

totally lost.

i have run out of words.

but my heart is still heavy.

most recently

only lene could present me with bundles of joy and apprehension.

but that recent was almost 2 years ago.

we didnt end very well.

we didnt really end.

see how far ive drifted?

please make me feel special again.

one more month of pro term.

a few more missions exercises and stuff.

so why do i feel as if somethings bugging me?

i think im procrastinating too much.

whatever.

onward comrade.

i'll be finished before i know it.