除了想你除了爱你

我什么什么都愿意

这感情不值得我犹豫

不值得我考虑

不值得我爱过你

这种回忆不值得我提起

不值得想起

不值得哭泣

这段感情早就应该放弃

早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹

A's ended last week.

i'm a free man.

we all are now.

life's good,

yet there's one last thing that's bugging.

and i have a flair for attracting

troubled

distraught

people.

nothing harmful though.

it's just that,

this time

im the one who's disturbed.

for once,

this is something out

of my control.

i dug out all the letters

from the two shoeboxes.

and read them.

the letters span

a from 2002 to 2006.

with the end of A's

it'd be a definite closure,

of the life in jc.

im glad im not that attached to hwachong

or the people ive met in hwachong.

cause then,

it'd be easier to part.

dreams.

a fighter's inspiration?

or

a coward's false impression and fantasy?

what keeps you going?

is it the thought

of not wanting to lose

to the asshole beside you,

whose brain is so large

that it amounts to 10 million chinkiats?

is it the thought

of lavishing in the pure joy

of total freedom after the exams?

is it the thought

of someone silently backing you

all the way to the end?

is it the thought

of self fulfillment and satisfaction?

is it the thought

of not letting god down( whatever that means)?

is it the thought

of not wanting to leave any regrets,

so that you can go crazy

and run around naked in a skin cut hairstyle

next march

even though there ain't no

perfect score?

for me,

it was not wanting

to lose to the assholes

in front, behind,

to the left and to the right of me

whose brains can fit 10 million chinkiats

and maybe another 5 thousand prcs.

im a primate.

survival is instinct.

but now,

i just seek self fulfillment.

to fight hard,

and leave no regrets.

i cannot get 95 for maths

neither can i get 80 for physics.

i may not even get straight As.

but it doesn't matter,

'cause smart genes don't run in me,

i won't do myself a disservice

as long as i leave no regrets.

taken from the great words

of sir martin koh (wherever he is now).

the night beckons.

what a cold

solemn

unexciting

starless

silent night.

interrupted only

by the static of the radio

and occasional outbursts of commercials

on the tv.

i dont feel like sleeping just yet.

life at this point is so utilitarian.

ive got to sleep,

TYSes await.

just when you feel like you need

someone who's as insane to be awake at this time

in the midst of As,

you realised

you have no friends to message or call.

all you can do

is to keep the lonely heart

upbeat

with the music on your player.